Ask a Non-Binary

Beck here,

First off, you’re definitely not insane, and it sounds like you’ve got your shit figured out—sometimes you’re a woman, and you dress femininely, and sometimes you’re a man and you dress masculinely. You appear to be gender fluid, although you may identify with the term “bigender” as well. 

Your preferred pronouns don’t have to change with your presentation OR your gender. For some, it is vitally important that friends and family use their preferred pronouns. Many feel that it validates their identity, and it can be hurtful to disrespect that. However, it’s just fine if you don’t have that particular button to push—I know cis butch women who are just fine with being read as male. This chill-ness doesn’t make them any less women. And being chill with being read as male doesn’t make you less of a woman when you’re a woman. 

Beck here,

First, I would like to say that I am sincerely pissed off at your trans * friend, must be more binary or he would understand. I cannot wrap my head around people of a marginalized group who turn around and marginalize others. How does a trans*guy not see how important proper pronoun usage is? If your pronouns are contrived, so is his binder. 

Personally, I strongly believe that neutral pronouns are needed in our language, for the cis and trans* gendered. A few of my favourites are

ze/zir/zir’s

hu/hu/hu’s

hir (like “here”)/hir//hir’s

(fuck I don’t know where the apostrophe goes).

As for convincing your friends, here are a few points which I would bring up:

• Your pronouns are just as important as theirs. Try misgendering them a few times and see how they like it, then explain that by not using neutral words, they are consistently misgendering you.
• The words aren’t difficult to learn. They will learn them exactly as they learned every other set of words in their vocabulary, exactly as they learned she/her/hers and he/him/his as young children.
• Language is amorphous and ever changing. If they refuse to acknowledge your pronouns, then they can’t use recently coined words like “tshirt”, “laptop”, “icecream” or “refridgerator” either. 

I hope this helps! As always, feel free to approach me privately if you ever need some commiseration from somebody who understands. 

Beck here, 

If you have anything of value to say, likely there will be some backlash. In communities actively fighting for safety, many things are emotionally charged. It’s virtually impossible to avoid making waves. Waves in and of themselves aren’t bad things—it shows you’re making people sit up and pay attention.

I’m not going to hold your hand and tell you that because this is a safe space, everyone here is going to agree with what you’re saying and give you no argument. I don’t think anyone would want that sort of empty agreement. I promise you that there will be people who yell back when you yell. 

But please, yell anyway. You deserve to be heard as much as anyone else here. Certainly as much as I do. 

As for the specific topic you brought up, I have mixed feelings about cis-hate. On the one hand, I don’t agree with just dismissing or disliking a group of people for any demographic characteristic. There is no such thing as a homogeneous group of humans, and it’s unfair to judge the entire group by one person or stereotype. 

On the other, it’s easy to get to the point, at the end of the day, where you just throw your hands up in the air and say “fuck all the cissys”. I know I get tense around hetero cis people, if I have to be around them for an extended period of time. Many of us in the trans* community have suffered at the hands of the cisgendered, be it through individuals or government cisgender-centric policies. Many of us have suffered greatly. 

That said, I know many cisgendered people that I love dearly, that have stood by me and supported me throughout thick and thin, even when my own family turned on me.

It isn’t hate to point out the instances where I was harmed by a cisgendered person. It isn’t hate to acknowledge the statistics on crimes against trans* people, committed overwhelmingly by cis people. 

The fact of the matter is, there are massive problems faced by the trans* community. Ignoring that isn’t going to get us anywhere. And sitting back and politely petitioning our oppressors doesn’t get us anywhere, either. As an individual, it is not my duty to enlighten anyone. I am not beholden to educate the ignorant because my identity isn’t on the list of normalized characteristics.

I understand the desire to educate. I often feel that if I could just explain things properly, people would understand. That  is not always the case. And even when I choose to explain, I am not required to do so in my “inside voice.” I am systematically silenced, ignored, rendered invisible in the world that I live in, in so many ways. To be heard, sometimes I must shout, stand up and scream, yell at the world. It is not acceptable to then dismiss my screams as  uncredible for being emotional. Fixing ignorance is never comfortable, and I owe no one a polite smile as I explain how they stabbed me in the back. 

As for people to talk to, I’m a good place to start. So is my partner, wilterna.tumblr.com, or my friend, http://cammyam.tumblr.com/, and several people I only know from following, like

http://genderbendingriotqueer.tumblr.com/

or

http://ftmfeminist.tumblr.com/

Beck here,

That’s a fantastic idea, no I hadn’t considered it, and I haven’t the slightest idea how to do so. Does anybody have any suggestions for a hosting service for this sort of thing? I doubt all the followers want to add each other on their yahoo accounts. Perhaps a tinychat, with a set password, like genderqueerforever? Followers, I need your expertise here. 

Beck here,

Absolutely! I know for a fact my partner will be super enthused about this! Guys, follow transbears.tumblr.com (is that the proper URL? message me again if it isn’t and I’ll correct myself)

Beck here,

Sounds like you’re genderqueer to me. There are many alternatives to “male” and “female”, genderwise. I’ll give you several that I encounter frequently. See if any of these resonate with you:

Agender: the experience of having no gender

Neutrois: the experience of having a gender that is dead-center, perfectly between all other genders. A gender which is present but neutral

Androgyne (I hope I spelled that properly): the experience of having an androgynous or mixed gender

Feel free to mishmash and make up your own words to describe your gender experience. Demiboi, femmeguy, neutros with frills, etc. 

As for what to do, I would reccomend playing with your presentation (safely, always safely! Be aware that people who do not appear binary are at risk for violence). I know I recommend this a lot, but I can’t stress enough how much this can help. I myself just bought boyshorts underwear. Even though nobody can see them, I feel so much more comfortable in them than the girly hipster undies my female parental unit always got me. 

Beck here,

Woah. This is a difficult situation, my friend (not that I need to tell you that). 

Here’s my advice—I wouldn’t have the conversation all at once. Speaking from past experience with my own conservative judgemental family, hitting them all at once with a big idea never works. They always take it as my saying “everything you know is wrong” and dig their heels in stubbornly, refusing to even try to understand. Were I you, I would tackle this slowly. Introduce the topic of trans* identities, and see how that goes. Bring up some binary trans* story, like Chaz Bono (though personally I think he’s a misogynistic binarist asshole) at dinner one night. When that’s taken without too much comment, introduce the idea of varied gender presentation. Then that there are people who are agender in the world. Then that some people have a neutral gender. Etc, building up to the different aspects of genderqueer, like variance in human presentation, then gender. After they’re kind of understanding about that, come out as genderqueer yourself.

There are other ways to manage this, but this is the one I think will work best for you. I hope this helps!

Beck here,

Absolutely. Nonbinary is a category for those who do not identify as either binary male or binary female. Agender is often considered to be within the nonbinary umberella, despite having a rather unique place in the catelouge of genders (kind of like categorizing atheism whan discussing religion).

Beck here,

Absolutely! Followers, go forth and support this queer

Beck here,

The information on sex with trans*women and trans*men usually refers to those people who have undergone some form of bodily modification like hormone replacement therapy or surgery. For those with unmodified bits, fuckyeahsexeducation.tumblr.com is a good resource. Unfortunately, I do not have any resources for intercourse with those who were intersex identified at birth. 

I’m kicking this one back to my followers. Help us out, my dear queers?

P.S. I feel I would be able to help more if I understood what the specific problem was. If you’d like more tailored advice, please message me at neonxxninja.tumblr.com, and we can have a conversation through private messages. 

Beck here,

The first thing you can do is use his preferred set of pronouns, all of the time. In this case, it looks like he’s transmasculine? In which case you would use male pronouns (if hu is fluid, use hu’s preferred pronouns of that time, maybe “she” on mondays and “he” on wednesdays, or whatever). No more s(he).

I realize this is all new and probably confusing, so I’m going to give you gender 101. Please understand that this is massively simplified, as I don’t know your educational background or how much you know about genetics, the development of the human body, brain chemistry, social constructs, etc. 

1. There are more than two genders. Many, many more. The binary narrative you grew up with is a lie. Think of all the women who aren’t feminine or the men who aren’t masculine. Now take that one step further—there are feminine men and masculine women. With me so far?
2. Many people exist outside of this binary. I am one such person. 
3. Man and woman aren’t your only options
4. There are both binary and nonbinary trans* individuals. Binary trans* guys feel just like any other guy and usually consider their transition to be a correction of a childhood medical problem. 
5. The bits you were born with don’t necessarily have anything to do with gender. My vulva and vagina do not define me as a woman, because I am not a woman. 
6. The chromosomes you have (XX or XY or XXX or XO or YYX or whatever) don’t necessarily have anything to do with your bits or your gender.
7. The clothes you wear don’t necessarily have anything to do with your bits, your chromosomes or your gender.
8. There really isn’t any way to “biologically” define the human race as existing within the sex binary of men vs. women. You can either take my word for this or I can link you back to a post I wrote on just this subject. [So when people use terms like “biologically male” to identify the assigned sex of trans* individuals, you can be pretty sure they don’t know what they’re talking about.]
9. There isn’t any such thing as a “wrong gender”. There is no way to do gender wrong. 

Now, on to what I would suggest you do to support your friend. Keep in mind that these are just options and it of course depends upon the disposition of your friends and what he feels he needs, but these tips are a good place to start:

• Use his preferred pronouns. When you mess up, apologize (briefly, don’t make a huge deal out of it) and correct yourself.
• If he’s out to other people, quietly correct them when they don’t use his preferred pronouns. 
• Don’t pry him with a million questions. If he brings up the subject of his gender, talk to him about it freely. Remember that it’s okay to be confused, and okay to say so. 
• Don’t ever ask him about his parts (and whether he’s planning on changing them), his sexual preferences, or his relationships with his partners unless he EXPLICITLY brings it up. 
• Try to see him as the gender that he really is, the gender he tells you he is. Do away with this “hu was born female and so must be a girl” nonsense. Your friend may be a girl sometimes or none of the time, but that has nothing to do with the letters some doctor put on his birth certificate years ago. 

I hope this helps! The most important point is that your friend is still your friend. Treat him normally, don’t pester him about his pronouns or make a big deal out of using them. It sounds like he’s just now figuring things out and is probably confused too. Remember to joke around like you always have and get broccoli in his hair and then laugh and watch gilmore girls. Be his friend,  be steady for him, accept him as he is. 

Beck here,

I understand your feelings, and I will do my best to keep this a safe space for nonbinary folks. Always.

With that said, I don’t think any of us can expect ignorance to disappear in any space, especially one in this format. I can’t controll the asks I get. While I won’t publish anything I think is triggering without damn  good reason, I will try to answer the merely ignorant asks. After all, this blog is here allieviate some of that ignorance. I will do my best to educate without sacrificing the status of this blog as a safe space for nonbinaries. In the event of a choice between Cis comfort and trans* comfort, I will always give priority to the trans* folks. I think this is fair,given the nature of this space. 

Note to all followers:I encourage discussion. However I do reserve the right to not publish offensive or hurtful asks. I will use my discretion to decide which are unreasonable. 

Beck here,

Technically, you have to fill it out. It is required for everything I have come across. It sucks but in most places our gender identities are not recognized or even known.We’re I you, I would put down the  sex you were assigned at birth, or the gender you are most consistently read as. If you need to later, and feel safe enough, then come out at work. 

I mean, it’s only within the last year that they’ve had an option for intersex on the census form. We’re not even on the radar yet. I am sorry about the erasure of your identity. 

Beck here,

I have tell you, my first reaction upon reading this is “well fuck them and ther collective horses”, if you’ll pardon my French. But I know it isn’t always that simple. These people are important to you, and in the case of your parents probably providing for you. You have to worry about their reaction.

My advice would be to start changing things slowly to handle the parents. Maybe wear a baseball cap outside, or a boycut tshirt to school. Get some shoes that aren’t heels.  change one or two things at once, test the waters, and when the peeps are chill change something more. If it gets to the point where they’re really driving you crazy and you just can’t stand it, pack a set of nonfemme clothes when you go somewhere you won’t meet them, change after you get there and then change  back into super femme before you head home. If your parents remark on the change, ask them why it matters so much how many skirts you wear. Or gush about how much you love that “girly” baseball cap. Or say something about the tragic deatfood feminity in our country, or whatever. Try to make a joke out of it if you can.

As for the friends, give them back what they give to you. If someone says something snide about your baseball cap, remark how aweful their tshirt is or say something flippant like “well I didn’t realize we had wardrobe inspection today sergeant”. Keep responding like that and they’ll get the hint that maybe your clothes are none of their business. 

Beck here,

I did not answer the question you are referring to. But here’s my response:

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I understand where you’re coming from. You come across something saying “all people of (some group or trait) are assholes” and you’re sitting there thinking “well the whole purpose of this exercise was me not being an asshole! What gives?” As a feeling, it seriously sucks. You suddenly think you’re not welcome in this space, and I certainly don’t want to drive ANYONE away.

On the other hand, it has been my experience that, the overwhelming majority of the time, Cispeople do suck to talk to about gender issues. And I don’t think I should have to refrain from saying that, because it’s been true for me. 

I sincerely appreciate you effort to educate yourself. That is precisely the purpose of this blog.However, please keep in mind that this is a blog for and about people who are not Cis.  It is a safe place to discuss nonbinary issues. And it is not catering to binary people, at least not beyond civility. I do not wish to offend you, but I will not tiptoe around the hurt done to me and other nonbinaries by the cisgender community either. Let’s try to find some middle ground here, okay?